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Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)
1.
First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3.
I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw,
it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4.
Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do
not push on the top of
my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your
dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's
"hummer week"
- get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel
like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated
to
blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on
high
school girls - if you're that desperate,
go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to
remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you
go play video games
immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would
like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not
to speculate about the origins of our talent.
Just
enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it.
See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly
taste good. And I don't
care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they
don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your
mouth shut.
It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does
not
mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
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A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette
(by a male)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it.
If
you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of
cream is a hell
of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word
"queef"
mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry
about it and be thankful I'm not pulling
your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something
in your mouth is the only way to stop you
from
bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days,
you need all
the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell
you that we get the short
end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding
in your mouth.
9.
Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it,
we've had better.
11. Caress the ass,
too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in
the morning now, but when you get old
& fat and looking for
some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't
have to worry about
getting any on your face, now will you
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